Communicating with the people around you

Communication can be hard – especially if you, or someone close to you has been diagnosed with lymphoma. This information offers tips to help you communicate well. We have separate information about the impact of lymphoma on relationships, talking to children if you have lymphoma and caring for someone who has lymphoma.

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When communication is difficult

How effective communication can help

If one of you doesn’t want to talk

When communication is difficult

Lymphoma can have an impact on relationships. If communication difficulties arise, the relationship can feel less easy.

Sometimes, feelings are expressed in a ‘disguised form’. For example, sadness and a sense of loss might be shown as anger and frustration.

There might be times when you don’t feel able to say certain things, because you don’t want to upset, anger or frighten the other person. Some people avoid talking about things because the thought of becoming emotional makes them feel uncomfortable.

In reality, when things go unsaid, it can create a sense of distance and isolation. Assumptions and misunderstandings can happen more easily, leading to hurt feelings and relationship difficulties. 

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How effective communication can help

Talking with honesty can give an opportunity to understand and feel understood. This can help you to feel more connected to the person you are talking to, and improve overall emotional wellbeing.

The benefits of strong relationships can include:

• helping to manage stress
• improving emotional wellbeing
• taking more care over general health and wellbeing needs – both your own and those of the other person in the relationship.

Communication tips

There might be times when you feel unsure of how to talk. Some people say they don’t even know where to begin. There’s no right or wrong way, so try to be guided by your instincts. We give some tips below that you might like to consider. We cover listening, being honest about how you feel and letting the other person know what you’d find helpful. 

Listen

The value of listening is often underestimated, particularly if you feel there is nothing you can do to make a situation better. Acknowledge that you are unable to make it go away. Suggesting solutions to someone, particularly straightaway, can feel dismissive of their feelings. 

Sometimes, even if the person isn’t usually someone who talks about their emotions, they might choose to share a bit about how they feel if they’re given the opportunity. Sharing fears and anxieties can help to relieve tension and bring a sense of emotional connectedness and understanding.

• Take time to really listen to what the other person has to say, without planning what you are going to say next.
• Let the person speak, without interrupting them or changing the subject.
• Give the person the opportunity to express how they feel rather than trying to fix or lighten the situation, or telling them to be positive. You could say something like: ‘That sounds really tough’ or say nothing at all and offer a hug or place your hand on their arm.
• Repeat back in your own words (paraphrase) what the other person says. If you’re not sure what they mean, ask them, so that you can check. This can also help to show the other person that you’re really making an effort to understand them.

Relate is a charity that offers relationship support, including information about communication, including tips for a happy relationship.

Be honest about how you feel

Not everyone feels comfortable talking openly about how they feel. For some people, emotions are daunting – there can be lots of reasons for this. For instance, cultural background and what is considered to be normal within a family. If you feel able to, it might help to consider the following tips:

• Recognise the effect lymphoma has had, and continues to have, on your relationships. The impact it has on other areas of your day-to-day life can also affect your relationships. For example, if you’re no longer able to do the work you used to, you might feel that you rely more now on your partner financially. It can be especially hard to deal with these changes if you haven’t given yourself an opportunity to process how you feel about these changes.
• Respect other people’s feelings and approaches to dealing with their emotions. Even if you find someone else’s reaction difficult to accept, try to respect it. You can acknowledge it, for example, by saying something like: ‘It sounds as though that was really frustrating for you’. Or you could simply notice it, for example: ‘I can see that you feel angry when…’.
• Set aside some time to talk. Find a time where you are free from interruptions and can really listen. You might find it helps to write down the main things you’d like to say. You could start with something like: ‘Although it’s hard for me, it’s important to tell you how I’m feeling. I’d really like to hear how you’re feeling too’.
• Consider using ‘I’ statements, which are outlined below.

‘I’ statements

Some people use ‘I’ statements to help them talk honestly. They can help to focus on you and your feelings instead of another person’s behaviours and actions. The idea is to help you express yourself, while lowering the risk of angry, hurt or defensive responses. However, if you are asking for someone to do something different, keep in mind that this can be really difficult; both for them to hear, and to actually do – change takes time.

The key things are to think about are:

• how you feel
• the possible reasons behind your feelings – sometimes situations from the past can affect how you feel now
• how you’d like things to be different
• any ideas for what changes could help the relationship.

Examples of ‘I’ statements are given below.

If you are the person with lymphoma:

• Statement: ‘You’re always telling me to rest’
• Rephrased using ‘I’ statements: ‘I had a bit more energy yesterday and really wanted to help clear the table after dinner. I felt frustrated at your suggestion for me to sit down and rest. I like to be able to do these everyday things when I’m able to. How about we make an agreement – you let me help out when I can, and I’ll let you know if I’m tired. How does that sound?

If someone close to you has lymphoma:

• Statement: ‘Why don’t you ever tell me what’s going on? It’s not fair to leave me worrying when you go for appointments.’
• Rephrased using ‘I’ statements: I’d like it if you could tell me a bit about your upcoming appointments, so that I can support you. I also appreciate that you might not want to talk about them. Maybe you’d consider telling me what you’re comfortable with sharing, either before or after your appointments? You could also let me know what I could do to help you. I really want to help.’

Code words or phrases

Once you’ve talked about the issues that are causing relationship strains, you might go on to develop a ‘lighter’ style of communication. For instance, you might have already talked about feeling that your partner often or ‘always’ does something you would prefer them not to do. 

You could have an agreed code word or phrase that has a shared meaning for you when you notice it is happening. Code words or phrases can be a way of lightening the mood. They can prevent frustration in repeating the things you have already talked about.

An example is if your partner is doing a lot of the meal preparation at home. You have already talked about wanting to be able to help. You say a code word, such as ‘flamingo’. This reminds you both of your agreement – for example, that they will trust you to say when you need to rest. In turn, you will tell them when you need to rest and feel unable to help prepare meals.

You’ll find a section about relationships, including effective communication in our Living with and beyond lymphoma book. We also have a book for family, friends and carers: When someone close to you has lymphoma.

You can find more communication tips on the Relate website.

Let the other person know what would help you

People often want to help, practically and emotionally. However, they might not know what to do, or how to offer. 

• If you are the person who has lymphoma, let others know how they can help you – for example, by preparing meals or organising something fun. It might be that you’d like someone to go with you to healthcare appointments for emotional support or to help remember what information you are told.
• If you are caring for someone who has lymphoma, talk to the person about how you’re feeling. You can ask what they would like from you – be aware that this might include giving them some time alone. We have separate information for carers, including about offering practical support and offering emotional support, as well as taking care of yourself emotionally and getting practical support. 

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If one of you doesn’t want to talk

Although talking can bring great benefits to relationships and emotional wellbeing, there might be times when you don’t want to talk or the other person doesn’t want to talk.

It can be difficult if you want to talk but the other person doesn’t. Our Helpline Team is here to support you. They might also be able to put you in contact with a Buddy who has similar lived experience to you.

What if I don’t want to talk?

Connecting with those around you is an important part of mental wellbeing. However, there might be times when you don’t want to talk about how you’re feeling – let the people close to you know if this is the case. If you just want to talk about everyday things or to do something fun together, tell them this. 

You might find it easier to talk to someone who isn’t close to you. For example, you could talk to:

• a member of our Helpline Team
• other people who are affected by lymphoma, through our Online Support Meetings, Facebook Support Group or Buddy Service
• a trained professional such as a counsellor.

How can I share information without having to keep repeating it?

If you are the person who’s been diagnosed with lymphoma, think about what information you’re comfortable with sharing. 

To save you from repeating information or having similar conversations, you could consider:

• sending a group communication by email or message
• having a key contact to share the information you’d like to share with groups of people, such as colleagues
• writing a blog that you give people access to.

You might also tell them about our information and resources, to help them understand a bit about lymphoma and the support we can offer them.

I wasn't planning on sharing my diagnosis on social media, but I had a change of heart and thought this would be the easiest way to let people know. I knew I would soon lose my hair and didn't want people to think I was having a mid-life crisis! I was blown away with everyone's messages and kind words.

Laura, diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma

What if I'm caring for someone with lymphoma and they don't want to talk?

Sometimes, the person diagnosed might not want to talk about lymphoma. They might just want some time alone, or to have a general conversation about everyday things (‘small talk’ or ‘chit chat’).

It can be helpful to take time away from thinking about lymphoma to do something fun together, such as a shared hobby. Some people have ‘non-lymphoma time’, where they agree not to talk about lymphoma.

• If you are unsure what to talk about, say so. You could say something like: ‘I want to say the right thing, but I don’t know what that is.’
• Take care with giving advice. You might want to give tips, for example, about certain foods you think might help the person. Remember that each case of lymphoma is different – doctors will give advice based on the individual’s needs.
• If you’re away from one another, find ways to express your love and care. Send a card or email, or get in touch in other ways, such as by phone or video call.

A lot of the time, in my experience, it is a simple look of understanding from your partner that will acknowledge how you are feeling and how much energy you might have.

David, diagnosed with low-grade B cell skin lymphoma

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